One of the reason, of why I'm in my current state is because, well I miss my late cousin. I just remember everything we did together, or planned together every time I log in blogspot/facebook/myspace.
But that's not all, you see I'm angry at myself.
At times, I see myself not appreciating life, throwing it like that. I don't know why I'm just like that. It's not that I don't try not to. I can't understand my brain itself. Why is so difficult to decipher my thoughts? I don't know. I'm being a huge hypocrite at most times.
Have you ever felt something that, you're truly against it, but somehow you end up giving it in cause you can't control yourself. I'm sure you can relate .. cause apparently it's normal. It's our psychological nature.
I give in to so many sins, and ended up regretting it. Isn't it stupid? And now I often ask, why are there so many temptations in the world? Is it just a tease that god's putting us through, just to see whether we survive or not?
Ok don't get me wrong here, I'm not going against religion. But, why ? why is it so hard? I don't understand. I feel it's just hard to live without committing it. Hahaha call me weak, but maybe that's just my flaw that I have to handle with.
You see, I always think back, why? Why her, of all people?
And I try to remind myself that god loves her.
But now, it seems all too revised now when I keep telling myself that. The 'beliefs' are no longer there. And I'll just feel unsatisfied and confused and at times, really angry.
Anyway, I'm going nowhere with this thoughts. It's like a cycle. I need faith.
..God loves her Azam, He does ..
And I appreciate those who's been inspired/touched by her. It somehow means a lot to me, to know that people can fathom my feelings. Really, it is. Thank you, in a way.
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